Computer Love

Popular dating apps like Tinder have helped to make online dating almost cool. Granted, everyone I know who has used the app has at least one horror story to tell. That doesn’t necessarily mean much though, because just about every woman who goes on dates has at least one horror story to tell. There are some serious pros to online dating. Like anything else in life, there are also some pretty significant cons. Once we review both of those, then I’ll provide some online dating tips to help reduce the chances that your next meet up will be a nightmare.

Goods things first:

1. If you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business and the dating pool is quite shallow, online dating helps to expand the dating pool. Instead of being limited to just the guys or girls in your town, you now have access to potential compatible mates all over the country/world.
2. You have the chance to have real conversations with the person, and get to know them and how their mind works before worrying about the first date outfit. This has benefits. First dates often come with nervousness. This nervousness tends to prevent us from putting our best faces forward. Sentences come out wrong, there are those dreaded awkward moments. Getting to know each other a little beforehand ensures that you’ll have things to talk about.
3. Because your interaction at first is limited to online and telephone communication, emphasis is placed on what matters: you. Him or her. Your personalities and any potential connection.
4. Not being face to face right away can also take a lot of the nervous edge off, which allows you to get comfortable speaking with each other. This lends to a more natural style of flirting.
5. Since you get a sense of the person before meeting, you can avoid going out of your way to get dressed up for a date or shell out money for the date, only to find out that you don’t vibe with the person at all. You can make sure that if you are getting dressed up or shelling out money, it’s for someone who you’ve already established a connection with.
6. Thankfully, that old “if you have to look for someone online you’re desperate” mentality is going away. People are realizing that we are in a technological age, people have busy schedules, and it can be a convenient, efficient way of getting to know someone.

And voila. I’ve made online dating sound so appealing, a few of you are fighting the urge to hop onto Match.com, one of the most popular paid online dating sites. Those are the highlights, the positive aspects of online dating. But trust me, it’s not all sunshine and roses when it comes to online dating – and some of you out there know this from experience. Here are some of the drawbacks:

1. One of the upsides to dating was that you have access to people all over the world. And one of the drawbacks? … That you have access to people all over the world. Seriously. Imagine seeing someone’s photo and having that first sense of initial attraction, and having a conversation with them, only to find out they live in Italy, while you hail from North Carolina, in the USA. Meeting each other won’t be cheap and when it comes to online dating, there are always risks with meeting up anyway – which we’ll go over farther down the list. It’s nice to have such a deep dating pool to select from, but there is nothing fun about falling for someone you aren’t able to spend one-on-one time with on a consistent basis.
2. Another pro was getting to know someone before you first meet with them. This is also a con – in some cases. People are online dating more intelligently these days for the most part but the occasional catfish still happens. For those who aren’t familiar with the slang term of catfish, it refers to someone who uses fake photographs or lies about a major detail and shows up looking like a completely different person. In a day and age when just about every cell phone on the market has a video camera, and people are still not claiming to have access to a camera. And this doesn’t even have to be limited to looks and aesthetics, by the way. Sometimes people lie about their marital status, what they’re really seeking, or hide major personality flaws, such as a verbally abusive nature.
3. Dating apps. I kind of just want to leave it at that, but because I’m a thorough person by nature, I have to explain. There are going to be the exceptions to this rule; there always are. But dating apps are…kind of the devil. I can’t even begin to tell you how many female friends have told me that the guy they were into on the app were just interested in hooking up – despite claiming otherwise. This is something that often happens outside of online dating, so it shouldn’t come as much as a surprise…especially considering the young target audience for a lot of these hip, edgy dating apps. I’m on the fence about online dating in general, but can say with certainty that I personally wouldn’t ever use a dating app.
4. Remember that pro I was talking about when I said that you don’t have to worry about the typical first-date nervousness, because you’ve already established a rapport? Sure, you don’t have to worry as much about stumbling over your words, but since you have spent time getting to know this person, maybe you’ll still be nervous – just in a different way. There’s an emotional investment that has already started to build and because you’ve gotten to see how this person’s mind works, you really want the date to go well. Or maybe you feel pressure to seem just as interesting in person as you did on the phone. When it comes to dating, it seems that some form of nervousness is inevitable.
5. Have I mentioned the potential distance yet? I did in #1? Well, tough. I’m mentioning it again. There’s nothing like being head over heels for someone, but having to catch a flight to see them. You might really be jonesing for a backrub for them, but not until you’ve booked a flight, possibly a hotel, checked in luggage, etc. It’s much easier to drive ten to thirty minutes away to someone, much more convenient.

That is most of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Those who are online dating veterans might have other pros and cons to add. Online dating isn’t for the faint of heart. Regular dating is tough enough. Some quick dating tips, before I close out the article:

1. When getting the person, get to know them. If you’re looking for something real, don’t just carelessly flirt without taking note of the person’s tics. When people have personality flaws or when they’re lying about something, they often drop red flags. Even though you’re having conversations over the phone and online, there are still things you can pay attention to: how they speaks about the people in their life, how they regard other people in general, their viewpoints on certain topics, certain habits they might mention, past behaviors or possibly past crimes, etc. Pay attention and while it’s perfectly fine to have fun during these conversation, asks questions.
2. Be yourself. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. You wouldn’t want someone to trick you or lie to you, so don’t be that person. There are people in this world who would appreciate you for who you are. Allow them the opportunity to find you, instead of attempting to change for someone else.
3. Don’t be afraid to flirt. After all, attraction is an important element of dating. Don’t be overbearing with the flirting attempts, to the point where it’s unnatural. Don’t feel like you need to hide your sensuality either, though. On the flip side of that, reveal your sensuality in doses – don’t make it the absolute focus, or else you might shift what he/she seeks from you.
4. Video, video, video, video. I’ll even say it a fifth time: video. The year is currently 2017, meaning most people have access to camera phones. If they don’t, they know someone who does. Be suspicious if someone sends only a few pics. Hell, be suspicious if someone sends only a ton of pics. If they can’t video chat with you before meeting up, really consider whether you should be willing to meet them in the first place. It should be a prerequisite of meeting, and will help ease some of the nervousness of that first meet since he/she will know exactly what you look like. And speaking of that first meet…
5. Stranger Danger: Sure, you know him. But you don’t really know him. Do yourself a favor and meet him in a very public place on the first few meets. We’ve all heard the horror tales. Don’t end up one of them. Make sure your friends know where you’re going, who you’re going to meet. If you can, even provide a friend or family member with his phone number, just so there is a trace of the person you’re meeting – in case something scary goes down. And to the young men who are smirking, feeling confident because they’re a man and can’t be pushed around…there are some women out there in the world who are psychotic enough to instill a true sense of fear in you. For your sake, I hope you don’t come across one of them. But you should practice safety, just as the young ladies out here. Fists often don’t hold up well to knives or guns. Or for all you know, she could have a gang of guys waiting to rob you. Worst-case scenarios here, of course – but you never know. Act as such.
6. Don’t go into online dating desperate. I didn’t know how else to say this. But you shouldn’t go into any form of dating desperate. Don’t go in with the mentality that you have to find someone, that you need to be with someone. You’re going in with the wrong frame of mind and since you’re looking so hard, you’ll find something – it just might not be what you bargained for. When we are desperate, we attempt to force situations that might have otherwise happened organically, over time. If you find yourself feeling at all desperate or needy, take some time with yourself and get to a point where you don’t feel like you need another person to complete yourself. Then when you are in a more relaxed mind frame and just ready to get to know someone, assess your options.

Online dating has the potential to be nerve-wracking, stressful, and complete horrific – but if you proceed with an open heart, open mind, and caution, it can also have the potential to be one of the single most beautiful experiences of your life.

Dating in 2017

There are so many tools that we have to our advantage these days, in terms of dating. We have snazzy cell phones that are capable of everything except making us breakfast in the morning. We have computers. We have tablets. All three of these gadgets have the capability of connecting to the good old internet, and social media. Without these gadgets, you probably would’ve never found out that there is an architect named John who lives three towns away from you. Or three states away from you.

If we have all of these devices and all of these tools to our advantage, then why does dating seem harder than the way our parents and grandparents describe it?

General consensus says that with technology, comes a ton of other options for both genders. More options can lead to more indecisiveness as to whether or not one wants to settle down. There’s always those people who fear they’ll miss the better catch that comes along, even thought the catch right in front of them is a blessing.

Others believe that dating is harder because women now hold career as a priority, whereas before most women’s priority was getting married. Both are valid points, and both are contributing to how hard it is to date today.

There are other factors, one that could be managed if men and women agreed to get their shit together. I’m going to spell out some of those factors in this article.

What Makes Dating Difficult These Days

1. Some women are confused as to whether they want a good boy or a bad boy. They say one and then chase after the other. They claim to want a man that treats them right, but end up going for the guy who gives red flags that he’s going to completely dog her out.
   1. Men are not exempt from this. A lot of men say they’d never date a high maintenance girl, or this type of girl and that type of girl, and meanwhile that is all you see them with.
      

      Image by BN326160 on DeviantArt

   2. The rules debate. Oh, this is fun. “I’m going to make him wait…three months before giving it up to him. I’m going to make him wait four months. Or six months.” There is nothing wrong with wanting to move at a slower pace. Keep in mind, though, that establishing a set date for when it will happen does take out some of the magic. Move slow, but when the moment is right, let it happen. If the perfect moment to express your feelings comes up, and it is on the twentieth day of the second month, are you going to let that magical moment pass you by because the full three months hasn’t elapsed? This is a relationship, not a kindergarten class. You can leave the rule at the door while making it clear that you’re no give-it-up-quick kinda girl (or guy).
   3. On that note, the fact that our culture has gotten to a point where a lot of men and women are sleeping together on first, second, and third dates… some of you may bring up the fact that hey – the second point says that there are no rules, to go for it if it feels right. That stands to reason that it could feel right on the first, second, or third date, right? I’m not going to say you’re wrong. I’m not going to say you’re wrong, because I know married couples who did sleep together on the first date. What I will say is that on the first, second, and third dates, how much do you really know about someone? Does that give you enough time to determine if they’re a good fit for you? Does that give you enough time to discover all of their little quirks and habits? Again – there is nothing wrong with it, but the fact that there are so many people out there willing to give it up early, makes it easier for an impatient person to dismiss the girl or guy who’s trying to take things slow.
   4. Ideals are something else that make it hard for us to date. There are so many men and women who want to be married by a certain age. Or there are women who want that big, lavish wedding. Let me be clear again on this, because this entire topic is sensitive. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married by a certain age and there is nothing wrong with wanting a big wedding. But there are those who take it too far, to the point of caring more about the ideal than the person they’re with. I don’t want to be married. I want to meet someone who makes me want to get married. I’m quite happy being single. I’m quite happy in relationships. I see the benefits of both setups, and I’m in no rush. But I do know that when someone is so caught up in an ideal, it’s easy to start forcing situations. Relationships should be organic, natural. Not forced and prodded and manipulated.
      

      (Buzz going off-script again…)

   5. Fuckboy/Fuckgirl mentality. They’re still out there, the male and female douchebags of this glorious world. It kind of seems like they increase in number every decade and maybe that has a little something to do with all of the increased options. They’ve got Tinder, but who needs that anymore when there’s so much almost-nudity on Instagram. Why express an interest in personality when I can determine whether or not a woman is 36-24-36 before I even know her first name?
   6. Self. We are our own worst critics. And our society is smarter than it has been in awhile…did I just say that on the same day of Donald Trump’s inauguration? *le sigh* No, but seriously. Despite that snafu, our society is increasingly intelligent. We are now smart enough to doubt ourselves. There are those of us who think that we aren’t worthy of true love. There are some of us who feel like the person we are seriously crushing on, we have no chance with. What I really want is for everyone to leave all of those doubts and insecurities at the door. You do deserve love, and you do have a chance with the person you like. As I say this, I’m making a lot of assumptions. I’m assuming they’re single and you’re single. I’m assuming the person you like is someone you know in person and not a fiction character from a TV show. Everyone has a chance, until they mess it up for themselves.
   7. Women who don’t give men the chase. This kind of falls in line with giving it up too quickly, but not really. Because “the chase” doesn’t necessarily mean making a man wait for nookie. There are women who can sleep with a man relatively quickly, but because she holds her heart and feelings out of arm’s reach, still keep a man on his toes, still keep him intrigued and interested. There are women with personalities so rich that a man can’t stay away. Whatever the actual chase is, men have a drive within them that pushes them to want to have to work for their reward. And…to be honest, it’s fun to watch them work for it. When you don’t allow a man the ability to chase, they often get bored.

When it comes to all of these factors listed, I am speaking in general terms. I am aware that none of these apply to all men or all women. That’s something else we have to get out of, generalizations. There are some men and women who conduct themselves well, who know what they want and how to get it, and don’t have any issues dating in today’s world. This article isn’t for you guys, since you apparently already have it together. This is for those who are struggling in today’s dating environment.

I could post several more factors, easily, but I’ll end it there and let you guys mention the others. What I will list, though, are small tidbits of advice to surviving in this dating age. You may have heard some, most, or all of these tidbits since this topic is spoken about so frequent, but here we go:

1. Stop looking for love in the clubs, and go to places where you can have a conversation with someone without your ears bleeding. Clubs can be fun and yes there are the exceptions to the rule, couples that have met in clubs. But clubs are often places where both men and women are just looking to hook up. The vibe of desperation is strong in many clubs. Rather than looking for love in a club, I would say to not look for love at all. To just live your life, continue improving yourself, and filling your time with fun, enriching activities. Open yourself and your schedule up to bumping into that special someone. But if you must look for love, then keep an eye out when you’re grocery shopping. Stop by the library. Or a nice lounge. Go out in groups with co-workers, or join a social group or club. There are community sports leagues that you can join. Get a gym membership if you don’t already have one. The gym is a great place to meet people, when you and that other person take a break from your zones.
2. Be honest with yourself about what you want, and be up front about it. I wouldn’t let it be the first sentence out of my mouth, but when the topic comes up, just let him know. “What are you looking for?” That should be a question you know the answer to when you’re on a date. Even if you want to get married, you might not want your response to be “I want to get married.” Instead, you might want to say, “I’d like to meet someone that I could have something real with.” Something along those lines.
3. Be self-aware. Know how you come off when you’re speaking. Know whether or not statements you’re making sound superficial, or judgmental, or unintelligent. Dating in this day and age kind of sucks, but sometimes when relationships and dating continues not to work out, it’s less about the dating pool and more about you. Sometimes it really is just about you. If you detect a flaw in yourself, work on it. We are all flawed, and we can always strive to be better. Lifelong partner material doesn’t really come with superficial, judgmental, or unintelligent traits, unless someone is just looking for a trophy wife or trophy husband.
4. Have fun. I said it that way, because it sounds rude to say “Don’t be boring.” But…don’t. LOL. Relax and enjoy yourself. Be comfortable with yourself, so others also feel comfortable around you.
5. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Sometimes our families put the pressure on for us. “When are you going to get married? When are you giving me grandkids? Waah waah waah.” No matter how much pressure they put on you, you have to shake that off. Don’t put pressure on yourself, either. Pressure begets desperation, which begets a whole lot of loneliness since no one wants to hang out with someone who is desperate and thirsty. Make sure that you aren’t reeking of desperation. Desperation is a repellent. It pushes people away from you. There’s no need to feel desperate. Okay, so you wanted to be married by thirty and you’re not. You still have your whole life ahead of you.

Tanja Topalovic, a logistics specialist from Gurnee, IL, says: “I don’t think marriage is practical in this time. Women had to get married for financial reasons, because they were discouraged from working. Men got married to get p****. Now girls can work and p***** is consistent on a regular with no effort.” She goes on to say, “I wanted kids…and like, this weekend my nieces woke me up with kisses saying they loved me. And I started crying because I was like, ‘Man I want this, but it’ll never happen.’ I think a lot of people are shy and living too much by the ‘Oh don’t seem too needy’ [motto]. ‘Don’t text them if you like them,’ all that stupid stuff we’re told. I think people should just be more themselves and do what they want without worrying.”

This is a conversation that needs to keep happening, to help inspire change. I believe we’ll get there…but then again, I was always an undercover optimist.

The Invasion of DraLo on Your Timeline

Rihanna. Serena Williams. Jennifer Lopez? Drake’s dating roster reads like the introduction to the most epic memoir of all time. In early December, rumors started buzzing about a possible romance between Drake and Jennifer Lopez, when he attended her residence show in Las Vegas more than once. Shortly after, both the rapper and singer/actress/fashionista posted Instagram photos displaying a shared embrace that looks especially cozy.

At the possibility that these too had boo’ed up, fans and non-fans had varying reactions, ranging all the way from “They look cute together” to “She’s old enough to be his aunt/mom/some other odd female relation that trolls felt the need to mention on social media.” Those with enough time on their hands for foolery, created memes showing old photos of Drake and JLo, photos where Drake was a kid and where JLo was an adult.

The fact that the couple isn’t snapping photos together or putting themselves in our faces day in and day out speaks to the fact that they could really be dating. Would that really be so bad? Is their age difference really that staggering, when society has grown to accept when 50 and 60-year-old men feel the need to date young women in their twenties? For the record, Jennifer Lopez is 47 years old and Drake recently turned 30 years old. That is a seventeen year difference. Both of them are adults, but of course in this day and age, everyone with an internet-capable phone or computer feels that they can dictate who should and shouldn’t date. Meanwhile, it’s okay for a man resembling the Cryptkeeper, with one foot in the grave, to date a girl who’s still in college.

Since posting the identical photos on Instagram, the two stars have been sighted together on New Year’s Eve in Vegas, where Drake hosted at the Hakkasan nightclub. Reports have surfaced that he has purchased her a $100,000 necklace for JLo – which cued up a bunch of “Apparently JLo’s love does cost a thing,” and “Silly Drake – don’t you know that Jenny’s love don’t cost a thing” comments and headlines.

I personally think they look good together and would love the effect their relationship would have on perceived dating norms. Aaliyah once attempted to tell us that age ain’t nothing but a number, but apparently some people need to be reminded of that sentiment.

There are fans who are heartbroken to discover that Drake and Rihanna are no longer together, but in general it isn’t a good idea to be that invested in a celebrity’s or anyone else’s relationship. People are people and relationships aren’t easy. Relationships are especially difficult when you’re an entertainer whose career causes them to spend extended periods of time away from their significant other. The bottom line is, you never know what’s going to happen. Rather than obsess over their personal relationships, remember why you started liking that celebrity in the first place. Chances are, you started liking them because of their art. Their art deserves your emotional investment a lot more than their personal life does.

We will see what becomes of DraLo. Footage has already surfaced of the two dancing at a fake prom to music that sounded like a collaborative track they worked together on. Who knows? Maybe they are actually making beautiful music together, literally and figuratively. Or maybe sly Drake is pulling a fast one on us. Only time will tell.